A Confession

I have to admit some things, and I hope you will bear with me. Some people may stumble upon my blog out amoungst the many on the web; others know me personally and I have invited to read what I write here. It is my hope that whoever you are, dear reader, that you explore, ponder, and otherwise enjoy my blog. Having said that, I feel the need to share a few things about myself, as writer and individual. I am not just a robot typing out drivel at random, though it may indeed seem that way (hopefully not, but it is possible); I am a person, much like yourself, I imagine. We probably share the same desires, hopes, and dreams: living in a better world, making a difference, loving and being loved in return, all the things that make us feel important and human. I recently went through a divorce from my partner of eight years, and it has been surprisingly difficult for both of us to act like rational adults in the process. Things have changed that I thought had been set for all time-I really considered us to be inseparable for the rest of our lives. But this is what happens when we delude ourselves, and allow ourselves to be deluded by others. I was silly to have thought that, and only now am I beginning to see why and how. I don't think I regret the experience, just that it had to be such a painful lesson, and that I caused so much inadvertent pain to someone I loved. However, I think I did learn some things, and so I can still agree with Alanis who said, "I greatly recommend getting your heart trampled on...."

Hopes and Dreams

However you want to look at it, the strange thing about hopes and dreams is that they are all either true or false, there can be no in-between. These are concepts we are dealing with; intangibles that have no existence outside of our own minds, so they are very real to us, and yet separate from reality. We can be incorrect or overly optimistic about the outcome of a situation; we can hope to have a positive result from events that appear impossibly negative. Many times this is the only thing that will get us through tough experiences: the hope that it will be okay, or somehow better. Sometimes our hopes end up being disappointed and our dreams are crushed, but whether or not we are correct about the results it cannot be wrong to have these ideas in the first place. The positive effects of these self-deceptions (let us be clear that they are lies: we believe in them without actual proof of their existence) depend solely on how they make us feel and what they accomplish for us. So focus on that, don’t concern yourself with what it really means to have been wrong about whatever you thought.

Acceptance

We often think of everyone we meet and interact with as being very similar to ourselves. We will most readily assign motivations to others that come from us, from our own understanding of the world. When these assumptions clash with the reality of the other person, we may become distressed and angry. Acceptance is the cushion designed to lessen this blow, softening the shock of misinterpretation that we experience. One must certainly be able to understand and accept others in order to interact on a daily basis with the rest of humanity. This allows us to maintain relations in the face of disagreements. It is all too easy to jump to conclusions without really knowing who the other person is or their motivations. It is vital to let others be as they are and do as they will, and be able to expect that in return. This is a concept that is obviously important, and has actually gotten a lot of attention in regards to dealing with others, but is of vital importance within ourselves as well. We cannot do less for ourselves in this instance. For ourselves, we need to understand our own motivations and decisions and then be able to accept them, even if they run contrary to how we think of ourselves. It should not matter as much to us if we become disappointed in ourselves through errors. The best we can hope for is to understand the mistake and prevent a repetition in the future. The biggest acceptance one can make is of the Truth, no matter what that Truth is, and with all things these efforts begin within ourselves.

We Are All Ugly Girls

Just like an ugly girl who grows up feeling worthless and unlovable, we are treated as though we are desirable only for those tasks we can perform in service to others and are ourselves without inherent value. We are the same as that girl, we all have talents that we can use but we are forced into using those few abilities and performing specific tasks which serve, not ourselves, but those who want to preserve their stature and power over us. These people know what works for them and focus solely on that, on funneling all our energy into those areas whether we want to or even notice. That is the heart of their game: doing these things to us without our realizing it, having us buy in to their social order so completely we don’t even know we are selling ourselves. We are all prostitutes in some way or another, our only hope is to recognize how and then overcome those limitations. The girl can save up to pay for some procedure like breast implants, and be loved for her appearance in some small way which makes her feel that she has overcome the greatest obstacle to her being accepted, when in reality she has simply fed into it further by allowing her emotional well-being to depend on what others have told her she should be valued for. It isn't her fault that the people around her are telling her that she can hope only to become physically desirable in some way to compensate for her "ugliness" or-even worse-intelligence! How many girls have been told to devote time to learning how to attract a mate (meaning: "some guy who may not respect, love, or even know you, but who will nonetheless provide for you and your children") instead of being encouraged to cultivate her brains and be able to provide for and love herself? Self reliance and independence are the enemies of those users, who depend on our inability to function without them.

To Grok

The Webster’s dictionary defines this as: “[coined in a sci-fi novel by Robert A. Heinlein (1961)] [Slang] to understand thoroughly because of having empathy (with).” Unlike the dictionary, I am not claiming to have the absolute or final definition of any word; here I will simply attempt to convey what this one means to me. To begin with, it is not some flighty, “Oh, I get what you’re saying.”, but a deep, visceral comprehension. A school of philosophy holds that one must live the philosophy. They say just as a menu is not a meal, life is not thinking about it, but doing. So to grok something is to become that object in a sense-to eliminate as much as possible the barriers between one’s ‘self’ and the ‘other’. When you can truly live inside anothers being, no matter how foreign that other is, you have ‘grokked’ it. This may be difficult for many to handle because it applies to all things, from an ant to a serial killer. Before you object, what I am saying is that only by understanding murderers can we stop them or, ideally, prevent them from starting. Just because we understand, or in this case grok, something’s function or meaning does not mean that we leave it on its own to suffer or spread suffering. If you truly want to understand something or someone, then you have to let go of all those ‘filters’ that stand in the way. We need to accept whatever the thing is can only be itself, not what we want it to be. Finally, one needs to grasp the entirety of the being. It is easy to love something in one context, but then find out something else that changes that feeling. To be drawn to and appreciate the power and elegance of a lioness is not the same as facing a hungry one unprotected. Essentially, one needs to immerse ones’ self within a complete knowledge of the thing. I believe that once this understanding has occurred, then one will Love that thing. I use the capital ‘L’ here to differentiate from the everyday use of the word because it has more than the pedestrian meaning. The feeling is more pronounced because of its context. This is, in part, because everything Loves itself; it has to or it would be self-destructive/suicidal. So when we grok a thing, we Love it as if we were Loving ourselves, rather than how we would love something separate from our self. Also, if you Love something, then you must grok that thing; it gets difficult to determine which comes first, actually. True, deep understanding inevitably leads to Love. Conversely, to hate something is to reject it and fear it. Just remember, no one said it would be easy.