Judgment and Judge-mental

It is common to be convinced of the similarity of others to begin with. When one is young, the world revolves around what "I" want or need, and it is only through age and experience that one comes to understand what "other" really means. Even then, there is a common error of thinking others are motivated by the same things as ones' self. Many people never overcome the tendency of interpreting others' actions in light of one's own motivations. How often have you been angry at or, conversely, pleased with someone until they revealed their own reasons for doing something? Until they shattered that perception, you had thought they were slighting or insulting you, or that they had done something out of the kindness of humanity on their own. Then you find out they had a completely different train of thought, which you didn't consider and it's because they really are a different person than you are! Knowing people are different and treating them as though they are different from one's self are not automatic, nor necessarily consecutive. It is all too easy to take this progression only halfway and once one realizes that others are truly different, to leave off, to begin discounting it. It is important to continue and understand those differences and their significance. Recognizing, accepting, and even valuing differences is a positive thing that many people claim to do. The problem is that it is not a simple, one-step process, it doesn't just happen suddenly; instead, it is accomplished through effortful study and consideration. When one thinks one has it licked, it can change and another piece can rear it's head. What I'm saying is this can easily be a lifelong process, one which is slippery and tricky. But in the end, it frees one from others' emotional weight and gives one a finer appreciation for those others.

No One Is an Island

It is easy to think of people in terms of groups rather than as individuals; this can be seen most readily in schools. Kids hang out in "cliques", rarely venturing outside of these select enclaves and seemingly always engulfed by them. Even the "out crowd" is a group, though it is comprised of those who don't fit easily into other ones. So we have these kids being conditioned to think in terms of who they are surrounded by, and who is easiest to be with. They aren't challenged by, and don't challenge, their peers because they all want to continue to fit together, and the fear of being rejected by those "friends" is too great. Everyone fears rejection, it is natural to dislike being alone and outcast, even those who try so hard to not need others. How does this lead to people behaving as adults? Does this tendency to cling to the comfortable just evaporate after school? I hardly think so, it is generally accepted that the people one befriends in school (the so-called "formative years") are supposed to be lifelong. So these kids become accustomed to being with certain people, and certain types of people. After a while peer pressure seems normal, just fades into the background, and doesn't get noticed anymore. Which just means it doesn't get counteracted, and it is accepted as the only choice. As adults, how does it effect the workplace? What is the impact on governments? Maybe some of these problems we experience aren't such a mystery (most notably we can recall The Bay of Pigs debacle). Groupthink is alive and well when people do not value others' opinions, thoughts, and contributions. When we continue to ignore what "outsiders" have to offer, what a fresh perspective can show us, then we are islands, but islands of insecurity and fear. Such islands and attitudes lead us nowhere, and offer little hope to reach a common ground.

The Cult of the Penis

It seems that many people, but men especially, have the idea that certain parts of their body are somehow special, even that they are “holy” in some way, and therefore get treated differently than the rest. It is strange that some things that are so close to the truth are yet so twisted and misguided. Just as all people are miraculous, our bodies are marvelous and incredible-but this doesn’t mean that one or another person or part is better than the others, in fact it means the opposite, that none can be. People have different abilities and different forms and that is all they are: different. One or another is not “better”, that is the type of thinking that seeks to control others, and love is not about power. The goal is not to conquer or subjugate, but to forge connections and enrich relationships. This goes for sex as well, and maybe especially, since it is an exposure of ones’ entire naked self to another. Not just physically, either, Love and being intimate with someone else requires an exposure of one’s inner self, as well as the outer. This state of vulnerability requires much trust and confidence in whomever you share it with, and it should be revered as an expression of that relationship. Just because a man penetrates a woman doesn’t make her a possession or an object, she still retains all her own sacredness. Men seem to feel that they take possession of a woman after having sex with her, that his ‘mark’ is on her and no one else should touch her because of that, not even herself. The insecurity of men in part stems from this, because they will wonder, “what if the ‘mark’ comes off, or is ‘overwritten’ by another?” These interactions and attitudes are reflected in movies such as Chasing Amy and Closer, demonstrated by characters that pursue and revere sex. These people eventually come to understand that there is no special “mark”, that the special part of the relationship is the love that makes it happen. The relationship itself is all the “mark” that is needed. Understanding the uniqueness of this act, and of the feelings that accompany it, takes a lot more maturity than most people care to develop. We should really be worried more about the mind, because that is the biggest sex organ, and source of all intentions in regards to sex and whether to remain “faithful or cheat”-not the penis or vagina.

A Confession

I have to admit some things, and I hope you will bear with me. Some people may stumble upon my blog out amoungst the many on the web; others know me personally and I have invited to read what I write here. It is my hope that whoever you are, dear reader, that you explore, ponder, and otherwise enjoy my blog. Having said that, I feel the need to share a few things about myself, as writer and individual. I am not just a robot typing out drivel at random, though it may indeed seem that way (hopefully not, but it is possible); I am a person, much like yourself, I imagine. We probably share the same desires, hopes, and dreams: living in a better world, making a difference, loving and being loved in return, all the things that make us feel important and human. I recently went through a divorce from my partner of eight years, and it has been surprisingly difficult for both of us to act like rational adults in the process. Things have changed that I thought had been set for all time-I really considered us to be inseparable for the rest of our lives. But this is what happens when we delude ourselves, and allow ourselves to be deluded by others. I was silly to have thought that, and only now am I beginning to see why and how. I don't think I regret the experience, just that it had to be such a painful lesson, and that I caused so much inadvertent pain to someone I loved. However, I think I did learn some things, and so I can still agree with Alanis who said, "I greatly recommend getting your heart trampled on...."

Hopes and Dreams

However you want to look at it, the strange thing about hopes and dreams is that they are all either true or false, there can be no in-between. These are concepts we are dealing with; intangibles that have no existence outside of our own minds, so they are very real to us, and yet separate from reality. We can be incorrect or overly optimistic about the outcome of a situation; we can hope to have a positive result from events that appear impossibly negative. Many times this is the only thing that will get us through tough experiences: the hope that it will be okay, or somehow better. Sometimes our hopes end up being disappointed and our dreams are crushed, but whether or not we are correct about the results it cannot be wrong to have these ideas in the first place. The positive effects of these self-deceptions (let us be clear that they are lies: we believe in them without actual proof of their existence) depend solely on how they make us feel and what they accomplish for us. So focus on that, don’t concern yourself with what it really means to have been wrong about whatever you thought.