Safer Sex

I was struck by a difference of focus, and that there are various levels, much like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. What I mean is that we talk about and pay attention to particular aspects, but leave others unaddressed. This is potentially due to the reluctance to discuss such "personal" matters in any detail.

When it comes to talking about sex, there have been advances made in providing information about condoms, gender and sexuality, and protecting against physical attacks. All important topics, and they should be part of every young person's education. Yet these are just basics, and we still struggle to have accurate, rational discussions about them. There are so many more parts, deeper and more intimate than just which fleshy bits go where.

The emotional, spiritual, and mental aspects of sex, and relationships in general, are so much more fundamental as well as essential. I have found that these latter points have an under-recognized (or at least under-discussed) importance, and I want to bring them into the fore. It has been through exposure to many influences that I recognize this, but I want to especially recognize Dr. David Schnarch. I highly recommend his books for everyone.

Speaking for myself, when I don't feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable to my partner, I don't want to be intimate. It has taken me a long time to realize this basic, simple correlation. I am less able to be open, to express my wants, or be willing to fulfill my partner's wishes when I am feeling distant to them. Bluntly: when I'm feeling psychically closed off, I want to keep my legs closed.

Beyond physical safety (a barrier and/or consent), there are considerations for long-term relationships. This is what I mean by "safer". After people have established their power dynamics and safewords, then what? That's where the real relationship of sex begins, I think. That is where not doing the dishes or staying out late begins to influence how attracted I am to my partner. When them getting what they want outside the bedroom begins to influence how receptive I can be inside it.

So, instead of thinking, "I'm not as attracted to them lately, it must be [their hair, weight, or paycheck]." It could be, "I really don't like when they [call me 'fat' or 'crazy', disrespect me in front of others, or dismiss my opinions on meaningful topics." Sex is not merely physical, and neither are sexual "problems".