I was struck recently by a strange realization, during a perfectly normal conversation about what kinds of foods I ate growing up. As a child, we lived in some amount of poverty, though not severe. What occurred to me is that while I did not eat what I wanted, it was also not what my mother would have wanted. Rather, it was determined by what we could afford. Of course, this is also fairly commonplace, as many who live without adequate income do the same. What is remarkable is the impact it had on me, and this is the odd part. It is not just the food choice, but that along with other factors of poverty that all boiled down to a profoundly dis-empowering message: what I want does not matter.
Let that fester for a moment, and especially if it has never occurred to you before. Try on the idea that what you want has no impact on the world around you. Hungry? Unimportant, you will eat what and when you are fed. Tired? Inconsequential, you must get up and get busy. Need a break, want some help, a birthday present, to see friends? Does not matter; what you want does not matter.
That should be a horrifying sentiment, and one that never enters a child's mind. To be raised with the idea one can never get what one wants should be something we all agree is unacceptable. Consider the immediate impact of devaluing the child, and how that begins to influence how they see themselves. Because this is not about winning or losing a fun game, this is about their sense of who they are. Even if it seems a minor issue, or one that can be overcome, why would it be one we add to the difficulties inherent in growing up? Further, if this thought is allowed to take hold, it can be debilitating and impact so many aspects of a person. Imagine living with such a person, one so monumentally unmotivated to do anything since throughout their whole life they never get what they want because wanting does not matter. Even if these were "just" coworkers, their basic lack of motivation would make getting any work from them a struggle. What other impacts to society, and everyday interactions, stem from these people having a hopeless and futile feeling about agency in their own lives?
Personally, I took that message to heart; I believed it and it became such a part of my world that I forgot that I could have wants or even preferences. I was well into adulthood before it even occurred to me to question that bedrock truth: what I want does not matter. This is not to excuse that belief, nor to blame anyone else for my own failings. As ever, there were a number of factors involved. Understanding and explaining something is different than forgiving or excusing that thing, and is a topic for another discussion. I simply point out that throughout my own life there have been a number of negative impacts because of this simple, fundamental belief; the only positive has been that I was remarkably easy to get along with, which could be accomplished through healthier means.
With all the talk of an "entitled" younger generation, I would encourage folks to remember how harmful the opposite tendency is. Celebrate people knowing what they want, and expecting the possibility of obtaining it. A world full of those people is at least a hopeful world,
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