08 June, 2015
Why Is There No Post Here?
I was inspired to write a critical analysis of The Lord of the Flies recently, and it ended up being a larger project than I anticipated. It has taken much longer than most of my posts, and expanded into something that may require publishing in another format. I am replacing one of the original posts (yes, it was turning into a series) with this explanation, and will need to write new posts to take the place of the other parts. This is at the same time as a number of changes in my life, so I appreciate your patience with my process.
13 April, 2015
What is a Lie?
I think this seemingly simple question needs to be asked from time to time because attitudes and perceptions change. However, just because one thinks it is "not lying" to not declare certain things on a tax form, to 'keep from hurting feelings' by reassuring someone they are attractive when they are not, consider an act not to be "sex" just because it does not include a penis inside a vagina, or even because "I was the only one there, no one will ever know different."
A lie is inherently and totally a lie. It isn't "half-truth" or even "stretching the truth", it is just a lie. To say otherwise is to lie. The point being that this practice of ignoring small examples of lying degrades the meaning and importance of the concept of truth. Beyond being influenced by popular attitudes about what it means to lie, we can also address what kind of person uses lies and when it acceptable to engage in lying. Let us be clear about what is a "lie" and to agree on that definition; to the dictionary!
LIE (noun)
Here is clear and encompassing definition, but quite dry. One important revelation would be to note that truth deals with reality. This means that if one lies, one is out of synchrony with reality, with the world. If this is minor, then it may possibly not have excessive impact. However, if this is endemic, if it touches on many or most areas of my life, then lies and lying can put me in a poor position to relate and interact with the world around me.
Another piece to note is that lying typically requires some amount of intent, whereas just being wrong or in error does not. This means that I can mistakenly answer a question, but in order to lie I had to want to provide inaccurate information on some level. Only I can know my intent, but others can assign malignant intent to my action or words. This is important because by not being honest about my own uncertainty, I can indirectly invite others to view me as willfully deceiving them.
To be clear, I am not advocating for a standard of always telling the truth, surprising as it may sound by this point. My aim is to clarify and reorient, and to advocate for awareness and choice in truth and lies. This awareness can lead to better outcomes, since people do things based on their beliefs. This does not necessarily lead to changing them, but can mean they are no longer unchallenged assumptions, rather they hold their correct status of personal attitude.
I recognize that lying or even the ability to lie is not totally bad. Humour often relies on untrue premises. Imagination relies on overcoming reality and using the ability to see things as they could be. Sometimes hope in the face of imminent destruction keeps us searching for answers when acceptance of reality would cripple us. However, I believe that blindly choosing one or the other path will not serve. I work to acknowledge and limit my lies so that I can be in better relation with those around me.
Finally, I will leave you with this eloquent and beautiful quote:
Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie becomes unable to recognize truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to passions and coarse pleasures, in order to occupy and amuse himself, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices, and it all comes from lying continually to others and to himself. A man who lies to himself is often the first to take offense. It sometimes feels very good to take offense, doesn't it? And surely he knows that no one has offended him, and that he himself has invented the offense and told lies just for the beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake of effect, that he has picked on a word and made a mountain out of a pea — he knows all of that, and still he is the first to take offense, he likes feeling offended, it gives him great pleasure, and thus he reaches the point of real hostility.
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky - The Brothers Karamazov
A lie is inherently and totally a lie. It isn't "half-truth" or even "stretching the truth", it is just a lie. To say otherwise is to lie. The point being that this practice of ignoring small examples of lying degrades the meaning and importance of the concept of truth. Beyond being influenced by popular attitudes about what it means to lie, we can also address what kind of person uses lies and when it acceptable to engage in lying. Let us be clear about what is a "lie" and to agree on that definition; to the dictionary!
LIE (noun)
1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture.
3. an inaccurate or false statement; a falsehood.
4. the charge or accusation of telling a lie.
5. to speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly, as with intent to deceive.
6. to express what is false; convey a false impression.
Synonyms: prevaricate, fib.
Antonyms: truth.
1. the true or actual state of a matter.
2. conformity with fact or reality; verity.
3. a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like: mathematical truths.
4. the state or character of being true.
5. actuality or actual existence.
6. an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude.
7. honesty; integrity; truthfulness.
Here is clear and encompassing definition, but quite dry. One important revelation would be to note that truth deals with reality. This means that if one lies, one is out of synchrony with reality, with the world. If this is minor, then it may possibly not have excessive impact. However, if this is endemic, if it touches on many or most areas of my life, then lies and lying can put me in a poor position to relate and interact with the world around me.
Another piece to note is that lying typically requires some amount of intent, whereas just being wrong or in error does not. This means that I can mistakenly answer a question, but in order to lie I had to want to provide inaccurate information on some level. Only I can know my intent, but others can assign malignant intent to my action or words. This is important because by not being honest about my own uncertainty, I can indirectly invite others to view me as willfully deceiving them.
To be clear, I am not advocating for a standard of always telling the truth, surprising as it may sound by this point. My aim is to clarify and reorient, and to advocate for awareness and choice in truth and lies. This awareness can lead to better outcomes, since people do things based on their beliefs. This does not necessarily lead to changing them, but can mean they are no longer unchallenged assumptions, rather they hold their correct status of personal attitude.
Finally, I will leave you with this eloquent and beautiful quote:
Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie becomes unable to recognize truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to passions and coarse pleasures, in order to occupy and amuse himself, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices, and it all comes from lying continually to others and to himself. A man who lies to himself is often the first to take offense. It sometimes feels very good to take offense, doesn't it? And surely he knows that no one has offended him, and that he himself has invented the offense and told lies just for the beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake of effect, that he has picked on a word and made a mountain out of a pea — he knows all of that, and still he is the first to take offense, he likes feeling offended, it gives him great pleasure, and thus he reaches the point of real hostility.
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky - The Brothers Karamazov
12 February, 2015
Safer Sex
I was struck by a difference of focus, and that there are various levels, much like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. What I mean is that we talk about and pay attention to particular aspects, but leave others unaddressed. This is potentially due to the reluctance to discuss such "personal" matters in any detail.
When it comes to talking about sex, there have been advances made in providing information about condoms, gender and sexuality, and protecting against physical attacks. All important topics, and they should be part of every young person's education. Yet these are just basics, and we still struggle to have accurate, rational discussions about them. There are so many more parts, deeper and more intimate than just which fleshy bits go where.
The emotional, spiritual, and mental aspects of sex, and relationships in general, are so much more fundamental as well as essential. I have found that these latter points have an under-recognized (or at least under-discussed) importance, and I want to bring them into the fore. It has been through exposure to many influences that I recognize this, but I want to especially recognize Dr. David Schnarch. I highly recommend his books for everyone.
So, instead of thinking, "I'm not as attracted to them lately, it must be [their hair, weight, or paycheck]." It could be, "I really don't like when they [call me 'fat' or 'crazy', disrespect me in front of others, or dismiss my opinions on meaningful topics." Sex is not merely physical, and neither are sexual "problems".
When it comes to talking about sex, there have been advances made in providing information about condoms, gender and sexuality, and protecting against physical attacks. All important topics, and they should be part of every young person's education. Yet these are just basics, and we still struggle to have accurate, rational discussions about them. There are so many more parts, deeper and more intimate than just which fleshy bits go where.
The emotional, spiritual, and mental aspects of sex, and relationships in general, are so much more fundamental as well as essential. I have found that these latter points have an under-recognized (or at least under-discussed) importance, and I want to bring them into the fore. It has been through exposure to many influences that I recognize this, but I want to especially recognize Dr. David Schnarch. I highly recommend his books for everyone.
Speaking for myself, when I don't feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable to my partner, I don't want to be intimate. It has taken me a long time to realize this basic, simple correlation. I am less able to be open, to express my wants, or be willing to fulfill my partner's wishes when I am feeling distant to them. Bluntly: when I'm feeling psychically closed off, I want to keep my legs closed.
Beyond physical safety (a barrier and/or consent), there are considerations for long-term relationships. This is what I mean by "safer". After people have established their power dynamics and safewords, then what? That's where the real relationship of sex begins, I think. That is where not doing the dishes or staying out late begins to influence how attracted I am to my partner. When them getting what they want outside the bedroom begins to influence how receptive I can be inside it.
Beyond physical safety (a barrier and/or consent), there are considerations for long-term relationships. This is what I mean by "safer". After people have established their power dynamics and safewords, then what? That's where the real relationship of sex begins, I think. That is where not doing the dishes or staying out late begins to influence how attracted I am to my partner. When them getting what they want outside the bedroom begins to influence how receptive I can be inside it.
So, instead of thinking, "I'm not as attracted to them lately, it must be [their hair, weight, or paycheck]." It could be, "I really don't like when they [call me 'fat' or 'crazy', disrespect me in front of others, or dismiss my opinions on meaningful topics." Sex is not merely physical, and neither are sexual "problems".
13 December, 2014
The Presumption of Safety
I believe others would agree that the illusion of safety is not actual safety. The things that we do every day are dangerous, but there is an inherent difference between accepting danger as reasonable and necessary and ignoring danger as though it were nonexistent or negligible. I think we typically operate somewhere between 'there is a possibility of a meteorite landing on me' and 'let's have a pushing contest at the edge of this very high cliff'. This brings up a question of what is truly safe, and how it is different from what we only think or presume is safe.
I like the example of speeding because it is ubiquitous in developed areas, and common to think "it does not hurt anyone to go faster than a sign says." However, ignoring a posted and legal sign is a distraction from the actual issue. I do believe that humans make rational decisions that support the common good; the possibility exists to go faster or slower than a speed limit dictates. However, is this decision made rationally or out of frustration, because "I'm running late," or "my passenger will die from blood loss if I don't drive fast enough"? Not paying attention to the speed I drive has an effect, and it is different than when I choose consciously to drive faster because I checked and it is still safe. The point is to recognize, understand, evaluate, and accept the inherent danger instead of ignoring it simply because it has not resulted in death and/or injury yet.
Why? This goes to the 'right' fear preparing us for what we should actually be wary of. For example, if I am a woman, I am most at risk of violence from an intimate partner-not a stranger. If I am a child, the most likely person who kidnaps or murders me is a parent-again, not a stranger. It is important to dispel the illusions we carry regarding our safety. It is vital to become aware of actual dangers. By guarding against illusory threats, I'm ignoring or don't have the energy to watch for real ones. When I don't pay attention to real danger, I put myself-and potentially others!-at greater risk.
I believe the privileged have the illusion of safety, where we assume that we are safe whatever we do. This may come out of a history of not experiencing everyday violence or imminent danger. This does not preclude responsibility to become aware or maintain vigilance of possible threats. Complacency is not safety, rather it is an invitation to harm.
I like the example of speeding because it is ubiquitous in developed areas, and common to think "it does not hurt anyone to go faster than a sign says." However, ignoring a posted and legal sign is a distraction from the actual issue. I do believe that humans make rational decisions that support the common good; the possibility exists to go faster or slower than a speed limit dictates. However, is this decision made rationally or out of frustration, because "I'm running late," or "my passenger will die from blood loss if I don't drive fast enough"? Not paying attention to the speed I drive has an effect, and it is different than when I choose consciously to drive faster because I checked and it is still safe. The point is to recognize, understand, evaluate, and accept the inherent danger instead of ignoring it simply because it has not resulted in death and/or injury yet.
Why? This goes to the 'right' fear preparing us for what we should actually be wary of. For example, if I am a woman, I am most at risk of violence from an intimate partner-not a stranger. If I am a child, the most likely person who kidnaps or murders me is a parent-again, not a stranger. It is important to dispel the illusions we carry regarding our safety. It is vital to become aware of actual dangers. By guarding against illusory threats, I'm ignoring or don't have the energy to watch for real ones. When I don't pay attention to real danger, I put myself-and potentially others!-at greater risk.
I believe the privileged have the illusion of safety, where we assume that we are safe whatever we do. This may come out of a history of not experiencing everyday violence or imminent danger. This does not preclude responsibility to become aware or maintain vigilance of possible threats. Complacency is not safety, rather it is an invitation to harm.
15 October, 2014
"You Know"
This may be a pet peeve masquerading as an erudite post, but I think there's some value to bringing it up. I certainly own that I dislike the expression, "You Know," I think it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. The main problem I have with it is it's overuse. When I hear the expression more than I hear actual content, then it's a problem. If it takes the place of real words that convey meaning, then it's detrimental. This is exactly what I witness, time and again.
It's not communication because if I already knew, then I wouldn't need to listen to you. What I'm listening for the words that inform me of your meaning, those that let me understand what you felt, experienced, or think. I can't do that just by imagining what I would feel or how I would react-because those are my own things. What "I know" is what is already inside me, and those would be assumptions, projections, and most likely wrong if I applied them to you.
So, for my sake if not your own, please take the time to find words that mean something and actually allow me to understand you. Maybe we could even find a "You Know"-free day, a sort of national holiday without this inanity.
It's not communication because if I already knew, then I wouldn't need to listen to you. What I'm listening for the words that inform me of your meaning, those that let me understand what you felt, experienced, or think. I can't do that just by imagining what I would feel or how I would react-because those are my own things. What "I know" is what is already inside me, and those would be assumptions, projections, and most likely wrong if I applied them to you.
So, for my sake if not your own, please take the time to find words that mean something and actually allow me to understand you. Maybe we could even find a "You Know"-free day, a sort of national holiday without this inanity.
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